Throwing Out Parenting Books and Freefalling ~ Sort Of…

I have decided that I am personally dissatisfied with “Christian” parenting books. I have found that these books fall into two extremes. The most common extreme are the Christian parenting books that are almost identical in tone and parenting guidelines to secular parenting books. These books quote a few Bible verses, which I guess is what makes them “Christian.” The truth is that I could cross out every single Bible verse and the message of the book would not, in any way, be changed. The book would look just like the secular counterparts. The other extreme is Christian parenting books that deny that there do exist children with developmental disabilities that can be diagnosed as autism, fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS), non-verbal learning disorder and ADHD. These books invariably preach controversial parenting truths; a “one right way” approach to parenting, scheduling, diet, discipline and education choice without supporting their claims with Bible book, chapter and verse.

“All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:16-17 (NAS)

I have been on a quest. I have thrown out all my parenting books. I am claiming the promise of 2 Timothy that tells me that the Bible is sufficient to equip me for the good work of raising children. This has been a tremendous task; a task that has given me much more empathy for people who author parenting books. I have had to unplug my phone, study the scripture, pray and believe that God will teach me through His word exactly how to parent my special child. These steps were the only cure for my oughtism. Oughtism that I contracted by listening too closely to professionals, family members and, yes, even other Christians.

Recently I was browsing used books and I bought a copy of Phillip Keller’s A Shepherd Looks At Psalm 23. I remembered that when I was growing up, my mom had a copy of this book in her own library. I bought this book mostly because I remembered that my mom had owned it.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4 (NAS)

Keller’s book, though not a parenting book, caused me to look closer at the word rod as used in Psalm 23:4. The word translated as rod is the Hebrew word shebet (shay’-bet). This word is used 191 times in the Old Testament and is most frequently translated as tribe. This word is also translated rod (as in a shepherd’s rod), scepter and, occasionally, staff.

In the book A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23, Keller describes the common uses of the shebet or rod. The Old Testament was written to people in a culture in which the word rod would create a picture that is much different from mine. His insight is valuable in painting a picture of the depth of meaning communicated in the Old Testament by the word rod.

While the rod is occasionally used to discipline a wayward sheep, thinking of a rod only as a means of corporal punishment is an incomplete picture of this concept. A bigger, more accurate picture of the rod would include the ideas of security, guidance, protection and evaluations.

The rod, or scepter, is a symbol of the shepherd’s authority. The context of Psalm 23 makes it clear that the rod is an instrument of comfort and security. The goal of my parenting is not to spank Marissa until she behaves. My goal is to help her realize that submitting to someone else’s authority is a safe and wonderful thing to do. Her security lies in her laying down her life and becoming a sheep. I am guiding her into a place where she can accept her place in the flock of the Great Shepherd. Good behavior that I coerce through fear of punishment or bribery makes my job easier, but it does nothing to change her heart. My husband and I are responsible for making sure that she is discipled. Her education must include teaching her Scripture. In our home this is implemented by homeschooling using the Bible is our primary text.

One of the ways the shepherd uses the rod is to guide the sheep to safety. If the shepherd noticed a sheep wandering toward a poisonous plant or getting too close to danger, the shepherd could accurately and precisely throw the rod over the sheep; startling it and sending it scurrying toward the flock. Guiding our children away from danger is part of applying the rod and has nothing to do with spanking.

This is probably one of my biggest parenting struggles. I overprotect my daughter. I have been slow at releasing my daughter and giving her freedoms that she has clearly demonstrated that she can be responsible for. Transitions have been tough. Marissa has needed to violently pull away when she should have only needed to gently shake off her youth. Parenting with fear instead of parenting with prayer: my sin.

The rod is also used to drive off predators. In order to assert my authority in my child’s life, I must know her friends and acquaintances and be diligent in making sure my daughter creates healthy relationships. This is especially true for my daughter with FAS. She trusts everyone and desires friends at all costs.

Finally, the rod is used to carefully examine the sheep. This use of the rod is referred to in Ezekiel 20:37. When the sheep “pass under the rod,” The shepherd counts them and uses that time to carefully and intimately examine the sheep. Proverbs 27:23 reminds us to “Know well the condition of your flocks, and pay attention to your herds.” This means that I must spend time with my daughter. My husband and I, not her peers or her youth pastor, should be the two people who know her best: who know her gifts and talents, who know her desires and who can clearly articulate her spiritual struggles.

My role is to use my parental authority, my sceptor, to shepherd my flock, to keep it intact and to protect it from predators. I do this by gently guiding my children as they move toward the goal of being in the center of God’s will. I will admit that I am not always consistent in applying these truths. My daughter needs a great deal of structure to behave appropriately. It takes a lot of consistency and energy. When things are going well, I breathe a big sigh of relief and relax. I guess there is a part of me that thinks, “Finally, she has matured enough that she doesn’t need me to keep the environment so structured.” Guess what? When I relax, things start going poorly. When I have failed to parent, who should be punished? Maybe God should spank me!