As is my normal habit, I have several pre-written posts. Still, I contemplated not having an entry today. I must be in a mood. Four posts and this is the least controversial. Oh, and just in case my writing does not engage and you quit before the end, it is summer in Minnesota! I am unavailable this weekend. I will be at my husband’s aunt and uncle’s lake home putting in the dock and ski boat. So have a blessed weekend ~
One of the very neat things about blogging on WordPress is the ability to tag surf. With the click of a button, I am able to read entries written by other bloggers about topics that I am interested in and write about. Since I write in the category of adoption I get to see what others are saying about adoption. One of the other nice things about blogging on WordPress is that this is not a community of like minded people. I get to read blogs written and maintained by people who would probably disagree with almost everything I have to say. So far, all of our communication has been a positive and respectful exchange of ideas.
I have been enjoying reading blogs written by people who have been affected by adoption. These stories deepen my insight into the thoughts and feelings of everyone affected by adoption. I hope that understanding will morph me into a better parent to my children, all of whom will have entered my family through adoption. I have recently been challenged to evaluate an aspect of adoption that is uncomfortable. I have run across several blogs that are anti-adoption.
For those who happen upon this blog because you were tag surfing or just linked in from an Internet search, I do not speak for people who have adopted infants. That is not my experience. I have adopted a special needs child through the foster care system. I am in the process of adopting two children who are currently living in an orphanage in Haiti. I don’t even pretend that my opinions are unbiased.
What I find most troubling is that, in their zeal to present how evil and potentially corrupt the adoption industry can be, those who are anti-adoption tend to present the adopted child as inherently flawed. Their sites include information on adopted killers and the adopted child syndrome. People already have biases and assumptions about adopted children. I really don’t want negative presuppositions about adoptees reinforced. I don’t understand why those who appear genuine in their desire to help adoptees by reforming the adoption industry would want to portray adoptees so negatively. Looking at troubled adoptees and blaming adoption fails to take into account underlying mental health issues, possible prenatal alcohol exposure and early life experiences. We forget that some kids, many kids, embrace their past and go on to live happy, productive lives.
To be fair, I have not seen one site that is against adoption which denies that some children are in lousy situations or that believes that every parent can adequately parent their child. I haven’t read any anti-adoption sites which adovocate for leaving children in lousy situations either. It seems the most common “solution” is to replace adoption with some kind of gaurdianship. In some cases this seems to be interpreted as meaning that the child maintains their original birth certificate.
Frankly, I don’t have a problem with that. Getting a new birth certificate with my name on it always seemed illogical anyway. Apparently seven years before Ron and I even met each other, we conceived a child together. He was in Minnesota and I was in Texas. Through some miracle of modern record-keeping, I gave birth in California. We have a copy of Marissa’s original birth certificate. I needed it when I brought Marissa to have a paternity test when I was her foster mother. I made a copy of it before I turned it back in. My adoption coordinator made a copy of both David and Beverly’s original birth certificates from Haiti before filing the paperwork for their immigration visas.
I am not against open adoption either. I am not required to, but I have tried to maintain contact with Marissa’s family. I will admit that it hasn’t always been easy. Marissa writes letters, but rarely gets letters back. Last Christmas, she crafted a scrapbook of her life and sent it to her family. Along with the scrapbook she sent disposable cameras with a self-addressed, stamped envelope so that the cameras could be returned. She wrote a nice letter saying she would like updated photos so she could make a scrapbook of them for herself. We didn’t get any pictures back.
Easy or not, having Marissa’s family as part of our life has been positive. Occassionally, she will get a comment on her blog, a post card or a birthday card. Marissa is happy with any contact. Her mom is on her ongoing prayer list. And, her mom was invaluable in releasing information about Marissa’s prenatal history. Without her mother and grandmother’s help, I would not have been able to document intrauterine exposure to alcohol. Marissa would not have met the diagnostic criteria for fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. A diagnosis opens doors to services and has been shown to help decrease negative outcomes for kids and adults with FASD.
My concern is that just keeping the original birth certificate, which is interpreted as true “open records,” is not what guardianship really is. Parenting is not about owning a child. Parenting is a sacred stewardship. Guardianship replaces the covenant that exists between a parent and a child with a mere contract. I guess I see it as the same difference that exists between a marriage contract and a marriage covenant. I don’t think that family relationships should be that easy to get out of. Besides, I think that, at least in our case, when Marissa realized that she had a forever family and would not be moved to another placement, she began attaching and allowed herself to trust me. She needed someone to advocate for her, mentor her as she worked toward her goal of living interdependently with only minimal assistance, and, yes, share in her consequences.
I know of families (both birth and adoptive families) who have had to relinquish their parental rights in order to get the child appropriate mental health services or because the child was a danger to the people in their home. But, like divorce, this decision should be a last resort. Everyone should know that the result is a breaking up of a family and it shouldn’t be as easy as getting out of a contract.
7 responses so far ↓
hiddenart // 15 June 2007 at 8:38 am |
Three years ago, we wanted to adopt 3 siblings from their terminally ill grandma. Although we were not the family chosen to be the adopters, we did find that none of our extended family supported the idea. They all thought these children would ruin our family because of the baggage they would bring with them.
This reaction was an eye-opener for me. All we could see was 3 children who needed an extremely loving home. I think this idea of adoptive children being inherently flawed goes much deeper into society than we can know.
If Christ can love me this much, than I can love with the same intensity and passion a child that I did not birth.
amanda
iBastard // 15 June 2007 at 10:49 am |
While I really do appreciate your willingness to consider other perspectives, you need to stop thinking of adoptees as perpetual children with “adults” squabbling over how best to “help” us. Adult adoptees have a greater right to be heard on these matters than anyone else in the so-called “triad” and we are the ones most consistently ignored or dismissed.
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My Response:
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Thank you for responding. I really do consider the opinion of the adoptee as important. You put into words what my daughter may be feeling and either be unable or unwilling to express. As I have read blogs by adult adoptees, I have not found that every adult adoptee is anti-adoption.
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Right now, I try to see the world through the eyes of a 15-year-girl. I do not intend to share her entire history on this blog. Suffice it to say that her early childhood was rocked by extreme neglect and several disrupted placements. She didn’t come into my home until she was 7. Social workers, counselors and adoption specialists told me that she was unattached. The idea that separation from her family was so traumatic that all of her behavior could be explained by the fact that she was no longer able to live with them resulted in a diagnosis of attachment and adjustment disorder. I hated the terms. Why not say environmental or life-experience disorder? She seemed to be responding exactly how anyone else would under the circumstances.
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Marissa was treated as a child who was mentally ill. The physicians failed to do what is considered a basic standard of care when met with behavioral changes in a person. They failed to rule out an organic cause of her behavior problems. No one ever looked at whether or not her brain was neurotypical. Their perception and assumptions caused them to lose objectivity. They didn’t need to examine all the possible causes of behavior change. They already knew what was wrong: she was adopted. They could manipulate all the data and make it fit their perception. Four-years in the foster care system, several placements and no one even asked her mother if she used alcohol during pregnancy. Hours of counseling and inappropriate medications. Years of being in school and having teachers assume that she understood their instructions and was being disobedient. Years of being accused of being lazy when she didn’t complete homework assignments. Years of not getting the services she needed to help her succeed. Years of being punished because her brain doesn’t process information the way a typical brain does.
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Despite the fact that Marissa has classic facial features of fetal alcohol syndrome, I was the first person to ask whether or not she could have been prenatally exposed to alcohol. I was the first one to insist that she be assessed to determine whether or not she had a learning disability. I don’t imagine I am rasing a child. I know I am raising an adult. My concern really does stem from what I think is best for Marissa the adult. Research has shown that children who have FAS and are identified and given services are less likely to have disrupted school experiences, legal trouble, or be confined to a jail or mental hospital. I know that adoption will never be the best for any person. I also know adoption is not an appropriate long-term solution for addiction or poverty. There are so many children for whom help comes too late. But, when I read the concept of guardianship, I understand it to be a perpetual foster care setting in which the child ages out on their 18th birthday, ready or not. I think as a society we can do better than this for those people who, for whatever reason, could not be raised by their first mother and father. The adults that age out of the foster care system have a voice too. As I listen to them, I do not find perfect lives that were unruined by being adopted.
Bobbie // 15 June 2007 at 6:56 pm |
Boy who would have thought sharing your heart could be so contraversial. I have had two experiences with adoption. One was very bad, probably not for the baby, but absolutely for the birthmom. She had aged out of foster care and her son had not. She was trying so hard to get her life on track, she had a job, gave her life to Jesus, and did all the right things during her second pregnancy. By this time her first child was almost three and his foster parents wanted him. So the “systom” forced her to choose between her children. Oh how she wanted them both, they were full brothers, she loved her children, but they made her choose give up one to keep the other. The Foster parents were quite angry when she gave up the newborn and insisted they return her son. That isn’t the way they expected it to play out. This young woman married a young man in her church whose wife had died and left him with two children. How wonderful a family they became, but the pressure I watched being put on her by Social Services and the CHRISTIAN adoption agency broke my heart.
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The second is our adoption of an adult. You see, aging out isn’t the answer at all, because adults need moms and dads places to go home to. They need holidat gatherings and their children need grandparents. So we are adopting a very special man. He is dead to his parents. Their is a price on his head because he gave his heart to the Lord. We are making this adoption legal. He is a son to us and we are family to him.
All I know is love is to be shared and everyone wants to be a part of a family. That is why we call ourselves the famil of God.
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I am very naive in this discussion, but I think the love you give to your children and the joy they give to you is a gift from the Lord.
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Because of Jesus, Bobbie
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My Response
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Bobbie thank you for sharing your experiences. I don’t understand how someone can be fit to parent one child and not both children. I would have my head in a cloud if I did not realize that the adoption industry has become big business. And, I do believe that the government has a regulatory role to play. No one should be pressured into relinquishing a child. The problem I see in the case you presented? If CPS was involved the agency that should have been overseeing this process was involved and part of the problem.
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I would argue that the baby involved has been wounded too. Clinical research on people who have experienced adoption has shown that even those adopted at birth are wounded at some level. Even in the womb, children are able to recognize their mother’s (and father’s) voice. They respond with increased movement and change in vital signs to strong emotions of their mother.
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Marissa seemed to understand that she couldn’t live with her mom, but she had never met her dad. She spoke of him often. He was a prince: a knight-in-shining-armor who was going to find out she was in foster care and come and rescue her. When the reality of needing to go down a get a paternity test sunk in, she was heart-broken. She couldn’t put into words what she was feeling, but she acted out her woundedness in her behavior towards others. She was suspended three times in the month following that episode. Whether conscience or not, I know she will interpret family and relationship experiences in light of her perception of these past experiences.
I hope Marissa can see beauty in the tapestry that is her life.
Janet Shaw // 15 June 2007 at 11:02 pm |
You present a very balanced perspective on adoption. Your comments are such a pleasure to read.
I agree with you that adoption isn’t the sole cause of any behavioural problems that adoptees display. Yes, the fact that we are adopted means we have losses to grieve, feelings of rejection and not being good enough to deal with. Not to mention hopes and fantasies of being rescued by an idolized birth parent, as you’ve experienced with Marissa and her birth father. I was always waiting for someone to come and get me whenI was a kid, despite the fact I had a very happy home and loving parents. It’s just the way it is.
But being adopted doesn’t make us bad, as you say. I’ve got two brothers – who are blood brothers – and a sister, all of whom were adopted, like me. Two of them have had major problems with addictions. My parents were the best role models, neither drank or smoked, both were intelligent and loving. But still, two of their adopted kids fell into the addiction trap early on in their teenage years. And as adults, they’re still not out of it.
Whilst I’m sure there are some issues about being adopted that they haven’t addressed, genetics are also at play here. We’ve only discovered so much later on in their lives, that there are family members with addiction problems within their birth families, and the addiction problem goes back to grandparents. All our adoptions were closed, so unlike you who could get some vital medical information, my parents had nothing to assist them when they started to see behavioural changes. Imagine how devastating it was for them to see their children succumb to alcohol and drugs for no apparent reason.
So I just wanted to congratulate you on highlighting the need for everything to be considered when assessments are being made, not just putting behavioural problems down to being adopted. And I’m happy to say that I am not anti adoption. I agree with you that sometimes, it is the best solution. Sometimes, the birth mother and/or father are just not able to care for their child. I’d rather be in a caring, stable and loving home than in an uncertain, chaotic one.
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My Response:
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Thank your for sharing your insight! Technically Marissa’s adoption is “closed” too. But, when she was in my home as a foster child, I supervised visits between her and her family. We had already exchanged information, met for dinner and attended a family reunion. So, when our adoption finalized, we just continued as before. Being able to exchange medical information has been a huge blessing. If for no other reason, I am glad open communication worked as well as it did.
debd // 16 June 2007 at 10:06 am |
Oh man that Tag thing can get addicting.
Dana // 16 June 2007 at 9:56 pm |
I’m confused. And please just take this as my ignorance, nothing else. But how would offering guardianship change anything in these particular situations?
Adoption was tough for the kids I worked with…that all had a range of emotions, and their adoption dates weren’t always joyous. There was baggage. But there was also permanence and hope.
There are a lot of problems in the system, but is the problem adoption, or the underlying issues which resulted in adoption? I know a lot of people who point to the increased use of some pretty powerful medications among foster kids the same way.
They aren’t exactly like every other kid. Many have a history no child should have to suffer through, not to mention the increased rates of mental illness in the family history, and intrauterine drug and alcohol exposure.
Does adoption really have that much to do with it, or is it more of a selecting factor or correlative? Or did I miss the point completely?
It was hard, though, to explain to new foster parents that these children weren’t going to come to them, realize they were safe and live happily ever after.
It is harder for me to understand why so many in the church advise against getting involved because of the disruption to family and the involvement of the state. We are to care for the widows and orphans, after all.
Now I’ll leave your comment box back to you!
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My Response:
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Dana,
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I know I don’t need to tell you that adoption has become a big business. A business whose product is children. And, there are alot of people making money from “selling children.” For those who are anti-adoption crowd, adoption is likened to slavery. There are sites that are very vocal in voicing concerns and raising red flags about unethical adoption practices. Others believe the system is so corrupt that it can not be salvaged.
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Most people who want to see adoption ended believe that we can fix the cause of displaced children through human effort and the mere fact that adoption exists as a solution to the problems of poverty, addiction, etc. keeps people from looking for other solutions. After we have all gotten on board and created Utopia, the child who needs to be placed outside the home will be rare indeed. The other common denominator that I have seen on the sites that are truly anti-adoption (versus those sites very vocal that the adoption industry must be better regulated) is that they minimize the rights, liberties and obligations of parents to direct the upbringing of their children… and give those rights to the state.
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As far as the data on adopted children, when it is presented there is no attempt to describe the “average bear.” There are never descriptions of the events that precipitated adoption. There is no discussion of family history as it relates to mental illness. There is no attempt to identify prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol. The “research” is not unbiased. Statistics are manipulated to prove a point. The people who want to prove that adoption is bad do not want to muddy their proof with extraneous data. They just want to prove that adopted children are more likely to engage in criminal behavior, have mental illness, and murder. BTW, some people in the FAS Community do the same thing whenever someone with FAS gets in trouble. It ticks me off then too. People are not orcs; no one should ever be presented as a “ruined race” because of medical diagnosis or past history.
homeskoolmom // 17 June 2007 at 7:13 am |
I have many thoughts on this entire subject, as an adoptive Mom of 4 children, having my BSW and seeing the system from a close perspective (in-laws foster for our state, as well as several others we know). I do not feel comfortable talking in specifics, so I’ll make generalities. Suffice it to say that I do not think guardianships are a good idea at all. These children need stability, not more instability– imo, it makes them worse off than some of the abuse they might have recieved in the homes they were removed from. Not to mention that some of these children have been in several foster homes in the course of even a year or two. They learn to manipulate the system. If they don’t like a particular home, they make sure their foster parents get hotlined and then they move. The child is often believed over the adult, so it’s easy.
. Thanks for letting me blog on your blog 
From experience, I do not think a child should be removed from a home without a time of transition–unless it is a situation of VERY severe abuse. Being yanked from the only home a child ever has known to live with complete strangers– devastating to a child, even one that has been abused horribly, or one that has never been abused. (if the birthparents hx delegate that the child never lived with them).
Inexperienced, fresh out of college social workers, whose only experience with children might be the babysitting they did in high school, understand little about what parenting really is and what it involves, and in the name of “making the world a better place” oversteps their authority.
The bottom line is the almightly dollar. If you can find it, read Mary Pride’s book on “The Child Abuse Industry” if you don’t believe it. Without going into the nasty details, I can assure you that after surviving our NJ state adoption, the Lord would have write on the wall before we would adopt from the state again. (3+years later, we are finally getting back to “normal” although we still deal with issues on a regular basis) On a similar note, Dana commented that we are to take care of orphan’s and widows, and by all means, we are to do that. It is a Biblical mandate however, the church universal has slacked here, and the state has stepped in– it will be impossible to recover that ground. There are other ways to care for orphans than by making a deal with the devil. It is a corrupt system (much like our government schools–but that’s another topic isn’t it
Have a great day in the Lord,
Christine