I was planning on posting about how our first week of school went, but I had a rotten yesterday and I am going to spill all my troubled thoughts out on this blog instead. I don’t always do that and, in fact, in the Policies tab of this blog I have written, “While I try to be honest with my readers, this blog will not be used to outline every stressor in my life.” So, I will not go into long boring details about what went on to start this line of thought other than to ask for your continued prayers for Marissa.
The sane part of me wrote the church today to let the Youth Leader know that Marissa will not be attending Youth Group. An incident that occurred there proved that there is inadequate supervision and it is not a safe place for Marissa. Now, the insane part of me is going to speak my mind. I have written before about how many churches and para-church organizations are presenting adoption as a ministry that Christians should embrace. Well, it is of my opinion that most churches are in no way prepared to accept the children they are asking their parishioners to bring into their home.
Recently Antiracist Parent posted the question, “Dear ARP: Are my church’s actions influenced by racial prejudice?” in which a person related the following story:
My husband and I are Christian and attended a church for a long time. Our family had been very active in this church. We recently brought home a little boy with some special needs from Haiti. It had been hard for me to attend church with the little boy because he likes to be noisy and the church asks that people who have noisy children in the service stand out of the service in order to not disturb everyone. So after weeks of doing this because I wanted to be sure that the little boys special needs were ok enough to put him in the nursery….we sent our beloved baby boy into the nursery. I was able to enjoy church and our little boy had a great time playing with the other babies and being well taken care of. Nothing out of the ordinary right?
The fact that the child was from Haiti gave the story meaning. The writer goes on to relate how one of the pastors at the church later called the parent having “noticed” the child in the nursery and after beating around the bush for awhile got to the main point of the call. The pastor wanted to know the child’s HIV status. Are our churches ready to accept these children and love them with open arms? I suspect the answer in many cases is no. I suspect there are some people who would openly love on these children, but I have met few Father Damiens who said, “I am gently going to my grave. It is the will of God, and I thank Him very much for letting me die of the same disease and in the same way as my lepers. I am very satisfied and very happy.” And, while many of us are willing to put our own health at risk, we are less willing to expose our children to communicable diseases. I wonder how many people in my own church would embrace Beverly if I shared that she carries the Hepatitis-B virus? How many of those in the homeschooling community?
Marissa was adopted from the foster care system. I have heard people in the FASD community who estimate that about 70% of the children in foster care have been prenatally exposed to alcohol. The sane me knows that it is unreasonable to ask a Youth Ministry to provide 1:1 supervision Marissa needs so that she can participate. The part of me that likes to think outside the box and knows that Christians are being encouraged to adopt these kids wonders, “Is this really the very best the body of Christ can do?” Particularly given that many Christian groups eschew psychiatry believing that it undermines religion. Having your mom breathe down your neck when you are interacting with your peer group obviously is not a solution for a teenager with FASD. My showing up to Youth Group would not be a viable solution. What about a college student who worked on the Youth Staff whose sole purpose is to mentor and oversee a child with FASD and act as his or her external brain?
Jeff McNair who blogs at Disabled Christianity has a website, Disability Ministry, where he has invited people to send in information about nationwide programs serving persons with disabilities. The only programs listed are programs administered by Trinity Evangelical Free Church in Redland, California. Neither of these programs would necessarily be appropriate for a person with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder and a normal IQ, but the fact that the church invests in this ministry screams of their commitment to provide service to their members with special needs. It is sad that this kind of service is so rare.
Related posts: The Baby Thief, Adoption Evangelism
9 responses so far ↓
Sombra // 19 August 2008 at 12:29 pm |
So, when you bring this kind of concerns to the leadership of your congregation, what sort of response would you expect? “sorry, we can’t help you.” or “that’s not within the scope of our ministry” or “would you help us to figure out what’s needed to serve Marissa”
My congregation is sometimes resistant to doing the things that are needed to serve the body, but eventually, the come around and give us exactly what we need. Change is hard for people, especially people in leadership. Keep an open dialogue and pray for the changes you need – people don’t always know what they need to do to love one another.. until someone else tells them that they’re behaviour isn’t loving. I had never thought about the Hep B thing before.. so my initial reaction had I been told in person might have been offensive to you.. but now that I’ve had a chance to think about it.. Beverly’s Hep B status in nursery or Sunday School is no more dangerous than me walking through the grocery store and encountering Hep B positive people there.. and I’m sure I’ve done that dozens of times without knowing it.
Linda L. // 19 August 2008 at 12:50 pm |
{{{{{Hugs}}} and {{{{applauds}}}.
I am so grateful to know you. You cause me to stand and look at things in a rightous and compassionate light.
Several of my friends have adopted children from within the foster care system. (I believe I have told you that before) One of the daughters spent the night and we had an incident that caused my husband to not want her back. My friend was offended and rightly so. It has taken me awhile to process what my Christ-like response should be and should have been.
If the church does not take a responsibility for the orphans of this world, who will? Like me, I believe the church will come around. But passionate people like you must speak out! If my friend would not have confronted us, our opinion and thoughts would not have changed.
If we are going to stand against abortion, then the only thing we can do is stand for adoption. I believe that we must offer an alternative to the unwanted pregancies that occur.
Finally, and I know you know this. We are all sinners saved by His grace! In our fallen world there will always be the awful sin of prejudice and judgement, even within the church. It doesn’t make it right, just reality.
{{[hugs}}} and blessings,
linda
Bobbie-Jo // 19 August 2008 at 3:22 pm |
As a parent with kids I want to protect and kids I want to expose (same kids!), I have had to think about this from both sides. I don’t think it is safe for my smaller children to be alone with my 12 yr old brother (who has FAS) and I don’t think it is safe for my two yr old son to play alone (with other kids) in my friend’s playroom. What is needed in these cases is not segregation but supervision.
If I don’t have supporters in the body of Christ in this supervision (people who will take a turn, like you said, being an external brain), I am in for a very demanding and tiring job. Because Eli is so cute, I get pooh-poohed when I require extra eyes. “He can’t really be that bad, can he?” What we really need is adults who are more interested in investing in kids’ lives than carrying on with grown-up conversations etc.
This parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done, and it has taken me giving up a lot of pride to say that I CAN’T do it alone. Yet finding help is hard, so often I DO do it alone.
My prayers are with Marissa and the little ones, too.
Lori // 19 August 2008 at 3:42 pm |
I’ve been thinking a lot about HIV infection in our congregation in context with one of our number who is homosexual but I never really thought about it in terms of the twins and their exposure to TB. Indeed, the only people who had issues with the twins’ exposure were two of my very dearest homeschooling friends. And that broke my heart. Our congregation didn’t have a problem with it and I don’t imagine they’d have an issue with someone who was HIV positive either, even though we participate in one-cup communion every week.
I guess I’m sort of out of the loop because our brotherhood doesn’t have Youth Group nor Sunday School, but isn’t the point of church to worship God? If someone needs assistance to do that better (special amplifiers for the hearing impaired, special air cleaners for those with severe allergies are two that come to mind in our congregation), then I’m all for that. And I guess, objectively, I could see having special workers assigned for people who need extra help. I imagine that, if Marissa had a visible disability, they’d find someone to help her out, right? I was going to ask if you’d approached them at all about this but I know you get very tired of having to do that always.
I am sorry that you’re having issues with your church and issues with the children. That you are so articulate and open about these issues makes your blog that much more special. I’m glad you didn’t hold this one in.
Lisa // 19 August 2008 at 6:38 pm |
This is exactly what I’ve been thinking about for awhile now. Every fall, I seriously think about getting my kids involved in the Wed. night youth groups and I just procrastinate it away. I’ve been thinking about it again recently (since the classes are starting up again in about a month) and I have to admit to myself once again that supervision (or lack thereof) is ALWAYS the main issue that keeps me from committing to these groups. Even when they were much younger, I’d go to pick them up and they weren’t where they were supposed to be, they were overstimulated and wild acting and tattled incessantly on each other (they all took turns behaving badly). We completely skipped all VBS this summer and at one point we were attending at least 5 different ones each summer because we had friends at every different church. I really WANT the kids to participate in these things, but unless I want to stand right next to them, it doesn’t seem to be working.
I completely agree with your thoughts on this subject. It makes complete sense to me that if the Church is going to encourage adoption as a ministry, then they should also support the people who are putting themselves “out there” 24/7 for the rest of their lives.
I just wanted to clarify that the event at Youth Group would not have been problematic for most kids. Marissa is manic right now, extremely so. She really, truly needs 1:1 direct supervision during all waking hours. I did not mean to suggest that our youth leaders had set up an unsafe environment for all kids ~ just for Marissa.
That being said, I know what you mean. When I lived in Washington, I used to teach SS and was active in VBS. We had classrooms. I kept the kids in the classroom until a parent/responsible adult came and picked them up. I saw the child leave with this person. Once, I moved to Minnesota, I decided to stay uninvolved after helping with my first VBS. Our church here is a large auditorium. There are no real classrooms, dividers separate space for activities. When an activity is over everyone just scatters. I would not see a child and had no idea whether they were with there parents or not. I never had the opportunity to talk to parents about how their child did during the class or to tell them what they learned. In fact, on many days, the child’s craft was left in our “space” to become the next morning’s trash.
Mrs. C // 20 August 2008 at 5:32 am |
I have autistic kids, so the pastor says they learn everything about how to handle them by trial and error. :[ I haven’t been back in a while because someone gave a slap to my toddler for not obeying. Then she was surprised that he went crazy in response; it wasn’t something he was expecting, you know? But he is language disordered. It’s hard to explain to someone that the child understands but he doesn’t understand as fully as you THINK he understands. And no, there really isn’t a way to prevent all the tantrums; he just needs extra attention. And that doesn’t necessarily fix it.
I’m giving the pastor a couple weeks to give volunteers some guidelines (like, we don’t hit other people’s kids is a good start?) and then we’ll see how it goes. I’m tired of church-hopping. This is my last stop before I say that I’m SO DONE with the whole thing.
I know it’s hard for everyone when I bring my children in. But somehow staying home and never going anywhere doesn’t seem fair, either.
Kari // 21 August 2008 at 6:55 am |
We’re in our 3rd church since adopting Ben and Anna so this is an issue I have struggled with and shed way too many tears over.
My husband has reminded me so many times that we believe in Christ, not Christians. We all sin and those within the church who do not understand Christ’s words about the least of these need someone to teach them and allow them to experience the blessings that come through the hardships we face on a daily basis.
I just got an email last week from the Sunday School superintendant at the church we’ve attended for the past few years. She told me that Ben, who wore an FASD awareness t-shirt to VBS a few weeks ago (the shirt had an upside-down wine glass and 049- Zero Alcohol For Nine Months on the front), told his class what the shirt meant and that he had FASD. She thanked me for allowing their teachers to serve and to know Ben and Anna, and she has allowed me to train staff on FASD. What an answer to prayer. ~Kari
Michelle // 21 August 2008 at 9:58 am |
(Not to make light of your situation – but I thought fighting my church on food allergy issues/no snacks during Sunday school was bad enough!) I can’t imagine the ‘battles’ you are fighting!
I completely agree that his issue needs to be addressed, though. I think many churches ( my own included) do push for adoption as a sort of out-reach ministry, and then they are ill equipped to deal with the consequences.
Jesus himself reached out to the lepers and the untouchables though, and so we need to remind our church members that *everyone* deserves the chance to worship/learn about Him.
Dana // 23 August 2008 at 11:21 pm |
Are our churches ready to accept these children and love them with open arms?
No. Nor are most of their members which is why things are the way they are. When I worked with foster parents, they felt the stigma attached to them by fellow church members and were always somewhat baffled how people–Christians–could have those kinds of views about foster children and foster parents when the bible commands us to help the widows and orphans. Sending a check to some distant ministry isn’t exactly what God has in mind, I think, but that is about as close to it as most people are willing to come.
When I talked to people about foster care, I met with interesting responses. “That just isn’t for us,” was an ok response. I don’t think most ministry work is “for us” but at least they recognized that it was an issue with them, not the kids or anyone else. My least favorite response was something that went along the lines of, “not until the state lets you discipline these kids.”
Which basically amounted to spanking, as if 1) there were absolutely no other way to teach a child and 2) as if spanking were the best way to deal with a child who has in all likelihood been beaten regularly his whole life.
Fears regarding the state overseeing your parenting and having to submit to home visits were major concerns and it sort of baffled me. Where does the bible say to help one another so long as it is convenient? And so long as the state doesn’t keep track?
The sad thing is that we received overwhelming response from “poor” churches. Many, many people would come forward to ask if this space would be enough, offering to take in kids on an emergency basis while a permanent home was found and letting us know what extra furniture they had. Walk into a “rich” church and no one wanted so much as a brochure.
That said, information and knowing what to do helps some. We took a child for respite with sexual behaviors that could not be left alone due to a long history of “molesting” other children. (I guess that was what it was…she was only six and doing the only thing she had been raised to do having been prostituted for drug money.) For her safety and the safety of other children, I had to explain some of these issues, how to deal with them and stress the importance of supervision. And they welcomed her.