A Four-Frame Life

Recently the moderator of one of the Yahoo groups I subscribe to sent a link to the downloadable versions of educational pamphlets available from available from the FAS Family Resource Institute. In this treasure of information, I found the most accurate description of a teen with FASD that I have ever read, at least it accurately describes Marissa.

My mind has been trying to wrap itself around the description of the teen with FASD living in a four-frame cartoon world. I could give you example after example of how this is true about Marissa, but that isn’t really what this post is about. I had toyed with the idea of giving you all one example, but I decided one example would just invite people to write, “All teenagers do that,” in my comment section. What I have been thinking about is how this should affect the way I parent Marissa.

When Marissa was in public school she struggled to behave all day in school. When she was young, I learned that if she had a behavior problem in the morning, I might as well pick her up immediately. She wasn’t going to last the whole day anyway. No matter what she did the rest of the day, she couldn’t change her outcome. She was going home with a bad person’s slip. It had to be signed. She was sure to get a lecture. She would become anxious and despondent. She was quite emotionally fragile by the time she got home. So, the teacher and I divided her school day into hours and activities. Recess, lunch, PE, music, art, each hour of school and the time between arriving at school and actually having class start were all separated. The teacher had a 10-petal daisy. Marissa got to color a petal for each activity she was able to successfully complete. Marissa was praised for every success. Perfection was never our goal. I lived with Marissa in her four-frame world.

Since Marissa has become a teen, I have found that living in her world is difficult. I have really made an effort to separate those behaviors that I would prefer Marissa not do and behaviors that reflect her mood and are just plain annoying from outright rebellion. All of us as teens and young adults choose to do things that separate us and make us distinct from our parents. I cannot cure a mood disorder with loss of freedoms. But, much of Marissa’s behavior in the last several months has been just plain old-fashioned rebellion with potentially life-long consequences. I have tried to lay down the law. When my parents did that I snapped to it. I immediately began working to re-earn their trust and my freedom. I saw into the future and knew that my parents would come to see me in a different way and that my life could be different than how it was right after I had majorly screwed up. But, Marissa is put back in her childhood dilemma. No matter what she does, she is powerless to change her outcome. She is a bad or stupid person. I am going to keep talking about things from “the past.” For Marissa, the past is anything that happened yesterday. She is tired of all the lecturing. She is anxious and despondent. She is quite emotionally fragile. And, her behavior is getting worse because, “No matter what I do, you will never trust me again.”

This may go down as being the worst parenting advise in history, but I have decided to make an effort to join Marissa in her four-frame world again. I am already considered too strict because I say no to activities that are overstimulating and require Marissa to make good choices for several hours in a row. Now people can think I am too lenient when Marissa earns back freedoms very quickly when she has done something for which most parents would lay down the law. Maybe it will be fun being the cool and understanding parent for a change. Oh, those consequences that keep her physically safe, like the alarm system that keeps her from wandering out of our home in the middle of the night and into trouble, will stay in place. I am talking about going to Youth Group, meeting friends for a movie or being allowed to use the phone and computer. Because, one thing is certain; I have to try something different or our family is going to crumble. Marissa’s behavior is almost intolerable and I only catch glimpses of the woman I knew just a mere six months ago. She is trying this morning. She has been pleasant; she is participating in school. If she has done this for several hours, she expects to see me trusting her again. I am just going to have to fake it until I make it.

Another brochure stated:

“When you attempt to hold them accountable for inappropriate actions, they will typically lie as an immediate means to escape from an unpleasant situation, rather than tell the truth and resolve the issue.”

This may well be one of the most annoying things about FASD. Last night I confronted Marissa with something I found and she lied. When I confronted her with inconsistencies in her story and the facts I had on hand, she said, “So beat me until I tell you the truth.” She smiled smugly and walked away having reinforced my growing suspicion that having her live at home after she is 18 and thinks of herself as too grown to have to follow the rules is not going to be a workable long-term solution. She was in control and she knew it.

More blog therapy. Thank you for listening. You are all much cheaper than a psychologist and it is so helpful that most of my readers share my worldview. Besides, I didn’t even have to wait for an appointment.