Prove It

How come my daughter understands her rights in a criminal court and assumes that these rights exist everywhere in life? In a criminal case, the defendant is fighting for his or her unalienable rights, that is the right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. Execution, incarceration and being stripped of large portions of the money a citizen worked for and paying said money to the State is serious business! The standard is necessarily high. The defendant is assumed to be innocent until proven guilty; the State must prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant is guilty.

Parenting isn’t a criminal court. I am not allowed to kill Marissa, lock her in her room until she is emancipated nor can I make her pay large fines to the local, state or federal government. Parenting decisions are really more like a civil case. The stakes are not as high and the standards built in to the criminal legal code to protect those unalienable rights just really don’t apply. And, it really is irritating to have a teen argue with you about the Constitution when it doesn’t apply. The Constitution limits the power of the government not a parent. I don’t have to prove anything. I make my decisions based upon gut instinct and preponderance of evidence. If you don’t like it, tough. You can move out when you are 18.

Marissa asked to spend the night at her friend’s home. It is a weekday and this girl’s parents have to work the next day. This isn’t really proof. We have allowed sleepovers during the week. Marissa often works on the weekends and so we have been flexible. Still, Marissa was caught in a big lie on July 4th. The situation turned into a major trust breaker. Today is just a mere 5 days later. In Marissa’s mind, the 4th of July is an eternity in the past. She is over it; I am not. I told her I would have to talk to the girl’s parents.

Marissa calls and hands me the phone. I hang up with the feeling that I am being played. I attend church with this woman. I have talked to her on several occasions. The voice isn’t quite right. But, more than that, the conversation seemed forced and too abrupt. There wasn’t any back and forth questioning or conversations. The personality wasn’t quite right. The voice on the other end of the line could be anyone. So, I told Marissa that she could spend the night but that I would be calling at some point during the night to check on her story.

Marissa has become a hot commodity since obtaining her license. There have been numerous calls inviting her to attend a movie or go to the beach. The caller almost always expects that Marissa will provide transportation for everyone involved. So, I reminded her that she had recently been in an accident that was a direct result of her being distracted while driving. Furthermore, I reminded her that the driving contract she signed did not allow her to drive with anyone else in the car without first getting permission from one of her parents. (You know the ones whose name is on the title and paid for the car.) I was not giving my permission; I expected that when I call she was at her friend’s house.

Marissa had a pair of jeans, clogs and t-shirt on already. She told me that she and her friend were staying in that evening and watching movies. You can watch movies in jeans and a t-shirt. She had her uniform because she is supposed to work tomorrow. And, she had a suitcase! I was ready to say yes and pray that Marissa make good choices but:

Including the jeans she had on, she had 4 pairs of pants and a pair of shorts!

and 11 shirts!

She had packed enough clothes that if she mixed and matched she could make 55 outfits. In addition to the clogs on her feet, she had a pair of canvas heels in the suitcase and another pair of shoes in her purse. Her purse was ready to explode. In addition to her shoes, she had all of her make-up and an entire jar of coconut oil. And, she had her work uniform. She wouldn’t have had to come home ever. The preponderance of evidence points to the fact that whatever she had planned tonight was not an ordinary sleepover. Sleepover canceled. No, she can’t take her car to the library instead. Does she think I am stupid? The car is grounded and only available to drive back and forth to work. Mom is emotionally drained. Marissa is mad.

When I was a teen, if I lied to my parents about where I was going and what I was doing, it is because I had borrowed someone else’s ID and was sneaking into a bar. Maybe I am making completely irrational decisions about what Marissa can and cannot do based on what I did at that age. Is this some kind of cosmic payback? I am oh so tired of playing this game. And poor Ron! Reliable sources tell me that he didn’t do stuff like this when he was a teen. He wasn’t even tempted to. He likes to be in control of his consequences. He is a follow the rules kind of guy. He does not deserve nor understand Marissa’s sneakiness, at all.