was this easy.
Marissa knows the story of my first marriage. I told her one day that, “You know, I really don’t understand the spiritual meaning of ‘the two shall become one,’ but in a very real way, my ex-husband and I were one. I shared his consequences. When he chose well, our life prospered. When he chose poorly, I felt it in my finances, my daily battles, my emotions. My life was inconvenienced and he became a burden rather than a blessing.”
Marissa is learning my lesson in a real way. She is experiencing what it is like to be in a relationship with someone who behaves badly. With all my heart, I wish she was young enough that I could control what happens in this relationship, I cannot. I simply don’t have the right to control my near adult daughter’s boyfriend choice. She shuts down whenever I try to talk to her. I am judgmental. I don’t like him. I don’t believe people can change.
Anyway, Marissa spent the entire day Sunday in tears.
And, Baby David, seeing his sister’s distress told his Dad (in all seriousness), “I think she needs a wedgie!”
Our house is in turmoil again. And, I have finally succumbed to the bad cold that has been going around our town since the beginning of September. I feel rotten. I have promised a reader an entry on my thoughts on attachment. I am in the process of writing it but I find it hard to compose them. I don’t want to write this quickly. I know that there are families who are really struggling with their older, adopted children. We are too. I know that there are adult adoptees who were hurt and not helped by attachment therapies. I don’t want to dismiss anyone’s feeling or experience.
Maybe I need a wedgie!
12 responses so far ↓
debd // 13 November 2009 at 12:56 pm |
raising young children is a piece of cake compared to what happens as they grow into adulthood. I’m sure it is triple to anxiety with a child with FASD.
David’s comment is priceless! I hope you’re feeling better soon.
Lori // 13 November 2009 at 12:57 pm |
I’m sure that David, being the kind, loving son that he is, would be willing to help you with that.
Oh Julie, I’m so sorry. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers and Marissa also.
R. // 13 November 2009 at 1:23 pm |
It must be very difficult for you to see your daughter making bad choices with men. If she’s not listening to you lately, would it at least be possible to get someone who she admires to hang out with her for a while, and perhaps drop in some messages about domestic violence and/or how to seek help?
I don’t know what Marissa’s particular pre-adoptive experience was, but people who have witnessed domestic violence are often at a greater risk of being in a violent relationship themselves. And they say the problem among teens is more common than most people realize . . .
Mrs. C // 13 November 2009 at 1:26 pm |
Wedgies and tears all around! I’m so sad reading this! Truly sorrowful… but you are so wise in what you have written. I pray that Marissa learns earlier rather than later because of your method in dealing with this situation… that her decisions are truly her own.
Peace on your house today.
Barbara // 13 November 2009 at 5:50 pm |
Couldn’t find any research on wedgie therapy. I’m.not.willing.to.provide.
Do hope you feel better soon.
My parenting experience doesn’t compare with yours, but I think we share underlying beliefs.
titus2woman // 15 November 2009 at 5:27 pm |
HA HA HA on the wedgie! Looking forward to your coming thoughts, but am sending (((((HUGS))))) for now through sickness and teen boyfriends! UGH! and yeah, our children are amazing! but birthing for me just gets harder and harder and harder and harder and harder…. (((((HUGS))))) sandi
C.L. Dyck // 15 November 2009 at 11:12 pm |
Aw. First, get well, Julie. Sick makes sad that much worse. Second…while it may not work on Marissa, I’m considering adopting David’s wedgie therapy recommendation for my 13yo boy. It seems right for him.
amanda // 16 November 2009 at 11:49 am |
Sending love, and know that I still pray for Marissa daily.
amanda
myderbe // 16 November 2009 at 2:12 pm |
Oh, aren’t you so happy to have a little boy’s perspective in the midst of it all?
Priceless.
As I talk to moms of children older than mine, I am learning that watching our children make mistakes and having absolutely no control over the situation is one of the most difficult aspects of parenting. I suppose that is when we really just have to trust God to be Father to our children and hope that the working it all for good comes sooner rather than later.
Dana // 16 November 2009 at 6:58 pm |
Oh how I wish all our big people problems could be fixed by little people solutions.
A kiss to make every hurt go away, and a wedgie for the tears.
Letitia // 19 November 2009 at 10:12 am |
I’m so sorry for all that Marissa, therefore the family, is going through. That would scare me and break my heart. You do, though, still have a say-so, as long as she is in your care. But, you are right, you can’t make her listen. Is there anyone she WILL listen to? I’m praying for you both.
Michelle // 19 November 2009 at 1:14 pm |
Oh dear. Hugs and prayers for you all.
(And I think Joseph share’s David’s views on therapeutic interventions)